Post by RebelXD on Feb 14, 2004 2:28:19 GMT -5
Ok, since I have noted the incredible derth of fiction of any type on this site, I have taken it upon myself to turn this area into my own private publishing station. The stuff i post will vary, being poetry, fan-fiction, satire, straight fiction, or essays. Tell me if you like them, and if some stuff is off topic, then I guess you can boot it, but seriously, there isn't a whole lot otherwise.
Shane’s Lesson
A fan fic by KillerX
Act 1
Bang Bang Bang. Shane was awakened to the sound of someone knocking on his front door. Not just knocking. Pounding was more the word. Shane was just about to roll over and go back to sleep, knocking or no knocking, when Ruby said,
“Aren’t you going to answer the door? It might be someone important.”<br>
Grumbling, Shane got up. He staggered sleepily out to the door.
d**n right it better be important, he thought angrily. Who in the world visits people at 3 in the morning?
When Shane opened the door, a large figure barged right in past him. The figure took Shane by the shoulders and held him at arm’s length, as if to get a better look at him.
“Shane, brother, how ya doin ya ol’ bastard?” the figure said. Shane noticed that the voice seemed to be about 2 or 3 levels too loud for the circumstances.
“What? Who? Huh?” said Shane confusedly. He was still half-asleep, but he had a sinking suspicion that he knew who the shadow was.
“What Shane? You don’t remember me? It me, man. Duke Kitna!” Of course. Duke Kitna. Shane wondered why he hadn’t remembered. He hadn’t seen Duke since he had left Boston.
“Yeah, Shane, you told me when ya left Boston that if I was ever in your area, to look ya up and say hello. Well, here I am ya ol’…”<br>
Just then Ruby walked into the room. “Shane,” she said. “Who are you talking to?”<br>
“Duke Kitna.” Shane replied. Ruby had obviously been awakened by Duke’s yelling. It seemed that everything Duke said was very, very loud. Shane wondered if Duke might not have had one too many to drink that night. “He’s an old friend of mine from back east. I think that Duke here might need a place to stay the night.”<br>
“Hey, man, you’re a real pal,” said Duke. “I’ll just take this couch here.” Duke proceeded to throw himself down on the couch.
“Ok, great,” said Shane. Shane had had enough of Duke. It was just too early. “I guess we’ll see you in the morning then.” Then to Ruby he said, “C’mon lets hit it.”<br>
When they reached the bedroom, Ruby said, “Who the hell is this Duke guy, and why in the world is he sleeping on our sofa?”<br>
Shane replied, “He’s an old acquaintance I knew back in Boston. Obviously, the part about seeing me if he was ever in the neighborhood was just a courtesy. But then, Duke was never the most astute of guys.”<br>
Ruby rolled her eyes. “I don’t care. It is three thirty in the morning, and I just want to get some sleep. We can deal with our houseguest tomorrow.”<br>
So Shane and Ruby went to sleep, the quiet of night punctuated by snores echoing from the living room.
Act 2
It was 10:30 when Duke managed to finally get out of bed. He walked into the kitchen, where the smells of breakfast were beginning to emanate into the hallway.
“Morning Shane!” Duke said. “Sleep well? I know I sure as hell did! Who is the lovely lady who graces our presence this fine morning?” Duke asked, looking at Ruby with a critical eye.
“That’s Ruby,” was Shane’s clipped reply. Needless to say, Shane was not in the best of moods after being awakened so early the previous morning.
“Ohhhhh…” said Duke as if that answered every question he could have possibly asked. “Dare I say it, Shane-o…in love?”<br>
“Oh Duke, you’re such a juvenile,” replied Ruby with feigned admiration.
“Uh, thanks, I think…” said Duke, obviously not understanding. “Anyway, what’s for breakfast? I’m starving!”<br>
As Duke helped himself to a large helping of pancakes, he said, “Well, Shane-o, you are a good cook I must say. And by the way, do you know of any place I might get a job?” Duke said ‘get a job’ the way most people might say, ‘get a taxi’. As though Shane were just brimming with job opportunities, and asking for a job would be only natural.
“Uh, well, er…” was Shane’s mumbled reply. “I think I might be able to get you a job at my sister’s café. You’d be doing odd jobs and whatnot, but it’d be better than nothing.”<br>
As soon as he said it, Shane knew he had made a very large mistake. He suddenly realized that Duke working in the café would be like a professional wrestler becoming a flight attendant. It just wouldn’t work. But now that he had offered, he couldn’t go back on the deal.
“You can come down with us,” said Shane. “You’ll start working today, most likely for Gerta in the kitchen.”<br>
“Hey no problem!” said Duke. “You know, you’re one of the good ones Shane-o? I tell ya, give ya the shirt off his back, give ya a place to stay, get ya a job, man, Shane does it all! You’re like a superhero!”<br>
This last idea seemed to strike a cord in Duke’s head. He was nearly on the point of jumping up on the table and yelling “Super Duke” when Shane averted the disaster by quickly saying, “Well, if we going to be getting down there, we ought to get going.”<br>
Thus Duke came to work at the Flea Bite Café.<br>
Act 3
Duke came in the back door of the café carrying two bags of groceries. He found he liked working with Gerta. He liked it a lot. Mostly it was Gerta he liked, rather than the work. But he figured all things came with a price. He decided it was time to make his move. Who cared if he had only worked there for 3 hours? What did that matter? In Duke’s head it mattered not at all. In Duke’s head, it was never too soon to make a move on the ladies.
He entered the kitchen, and who should be standing there, but Gerta herself.
This will be easier than I thought Duke said to himself.
“Hey Gerta, I’m here to fill your pantry,” said Duke, relishing the obvious double entandre. To his surprise, Gerta simply gave him an icy stare. Duke slunk over to the cupboards. He turned and looked over his shoulder while reaching into the grocery bag. He swiveled his hips ever so slightly. “Where would you like these…sweet buns?” he asked.
Gerta’s icy stare got even colder.
“Put them in the cupboard. Surely that can’t be to difficult for you.”<br>
Duke went about his business for a few minutes before trying again. He reached into the bag and pulled out some cooking oil. “Where would you like this…oil?” he asked.
Gerta rolled her eyes.
“That goes in the cupboard as well Duke. Now please, get with the program.”<br>
Finally Duke decided he would hinge his entire plan on one move. He finished putting away groceries and then went and stood in front of Gerta, flexing his large chest muscles as he did so. “Is there anything else you…desire?” he asked seductively.
This time, Gerta simply slapped him in the face hard enough to make his eyes water.
“I guess the answer would be no,” Duke said, rubbing his stinging cheek.
“Gee, what gave it away?” said Gerta. “Now get the hell out of my kitchen.”<br>
Duke obliged. As he walked toward the front of the café, he thought, Oh well, you win some, you lose some.
Act 4
Shane was walking toward his home. It was about 3 days after the ill-fated Gerta incident. As Shane approached his home, he heard loud music echoing from his windows.
That’s funny, Shane thought. Ruby’s not home. Wonder who the hell is playing the music in my house?
Just then, Shane remembered Duke.
“Oh, no,” said Shane audibly. “What could he be doing now?”<br>
“Hit me with your best shot! Why don’t you hit me with your best shot! Hit me with your best shot! Fire away!” The music blared at Shane as he entered the house. He thought he heard voices from the living room.
He better as hell not be having a party, thought Shane. It turned out to be much worse.
As Shane entered the room, the first thing he noticed was Duke and a Pomeranian he did not recognize in some type of embrace. Duke really seemed to be taking the words of the song to heart. Mostly the part about hitting with his best shot.
“OH MY GOD!” yelled Shane, running over and snapping off the CD player. “What the hell is going on here?”<br>
Duke stared at Shane vacantly. “Wassa matter Shane-o, you want a turn?”<br>
Shane opened his mouth to yell, but nothing but a series of dull choking sounds came out.
“No, I don’t want a turn!” he shrieked, finally finding his voice. “Get her the hell out of my house! NOW!” As Duke led her to the door, quietly slipping her 50 dollars as she left, Shane sunk down into a chair. “Oh my God,” he said.
Just then, Duke returned. “Aw, Shane. Why you gotta spoil the fun?”<br>
Shane gave him a look that was part disdain, part disbelief, and part mortification. “Fun? FUN? How much d**n fun do you think it would have been if Ruby had walked in on you instead of me? Oh, I bet she would have bounced your ass down those front steps fast enough to make your head spin. Be thankful I found you and not her.”<br>
Duke gave him a look that said that this had never occurred to him. “Yeah, I guess that wouldn’t have been too good at all… You got to admit though, she was hot.”<br>
Shane shook his head in disbelief. “Look, I don’t care what you do with your paycheck on your time,” he explained. “But please, get a hotel room next time. Don’t do your thing in my living room where anyone could just walk in!”<br>
Shane knew, even if Duke didn’t, that if Ruby found out about this, she would go ballistic. Shane hoped that she wouldn’t find out. If Duke could just keep himself under control…<br>
Shane’s Lesson
A fan fic by KillerX
Act 1
Bang Bang Bang. Shane was awakened to the sound of someone knocking on his front door. Not just knocking. Pounding was more the word. Shane was just about to roll over and go back to sleep, knocking or no knocking, when Ruby said,
“Aren’t you going to answer the door? It might be someone important.”<br>
Grumbling, Shane got up. He staggered sleepily out to the door.
d**n right it better be important, he thought angrily. Who in the world visits people at 3 in the morning?
When Shane opened the door, a large figure barged right in past him. The figure took Shane by the shoulders and held him at arm’s length, as if to get a better look at him.
“Shane, brother, how ya doin ya ol’ bastard?” the figure said. Shane noticed that the voice seemed to be about 2 or 3 levels too loud for the circumstances.
“What? Who? Huh?” said Shane confusedly. He was still half-asleep, but he had a sinking suspicion that he knew who the shadow was.
“What Shane? You don’t remember me? It me, man. Duke Kitna!” Of course. Duke Kitna. Shane wondered why he hadn’t remembered. He hadn’t seen Duke since he had left Boston.
“Yeah, Shane, you told me when ya left Boston that if I was ever in your area, to look ya up and say hello. Well, here I am ya ol’…”<br>
Just then Ruby walked into the room. “Shane,” she said. “Who are you talking to?”<br>
“Duke Kitna.” Shane replied. Ruby had obviously been awakened by Duke’s yelling. It seemed that everything Duke said was very, very loud. Shane wondered if Duke might not have had one too many to drink that night. “He’s an old friend of mine from back east. I think that Duke here might need a place to stay the night.”<br>
“Hey, man, you’re a real pal,” said Duke. “I’ll just take this couch here.” Duke proceeded to throw himself down on the couch.
“Ok, great,” said Shane. Shane had had enough of Duke. It was just too early. “I guess we’ll see you in the morning then.” Then to Ruby he said, “C’mon lets hit it.”<br>
When they reached the bedroom, Ruby said, “Who the hell is this Duke guy, and why in the world is he sleeping on our sofa?”<br>
Shane replied, “He’s an old acquaintance I knew back in Boston. Obviously, the part about seeing me if he was ever in the neighborhood was just a courtesy. But then, Duke was never the most astute of guys.”<br>
Ruby rolled her eyes. “I don’t care. It is three thirty in the morning, and I just want to get some sleep. We can deal with our houseguest tomorrow.”<br>
So Shane and Ruby went to sleep, the quiet of night punctuated by snores echoing from the living room.
Act 2
It was 10:30 when Duke managed to finally get out of bed. He walked into the kitchen, where the smells of breakfast were beginning to emanate into the hallway.
“Morning Shane!” Duke said. “Sleep well? I know I sure as hell did! Who is the lovely lady who graces our presence this fine morning?” Duke asked, looking at Ruby with a critical eye.
“That’s Ruby,” was Shane’s clipped reply. Needless to say, Shane was not in the best of moods after being awakened so early the previous morning.
“Ohhhhh…” said Duke as if that answered every question he could have possibly asked. “Dare I say it, Shane-o…in love?”<br>
“Oh Duke, you’re such a juvenile,” replied Ruby with feigned admiration.
“Uh, thanks, I think…” said Duke, obviously not understanding. “Anyway, what’s for breakfast? I’m starving!”<br>
As Duke helped himself to a large helping of pancakes, he said, “Well, Shane-o, you are a good cook I must say. And by the way, do you know of any place I might get a job?” Duke said ‘get a job’ the way most people might say, ‘get a taxi’. As though Shane were just brimming with job opportunities, and asking for a job would be only natural.
“Uh, well, er…” was Shane’s mumbled reply. “I think I might be able to get you a job at my sister’s café. You’d be doing odd jobs and whatnot, but it’d be better than nothing.”<br>
As soon as he said it, Shane knew he had made a very large mistake. He suddenly realized that Duke working in the café would be like a professional wrestler becoming a flight attendant. It just wouldn’t work. But now that he had offered, he couldn’t go back on the deal.
“You can come down with us,” said Shane. “You’ll start working today, most likely for Gerta in the kitchen.”<br>
“Hey no problem!” said Duke. “You know, you’re one of the good ones Shane-o? I tell ya, give ya the shirt off his back, give ya a place to stay, get ya a job, man, Shane does it all! You’re like a superhero!”<br>
This last idea seemed to strike a cord in Duke’s head. He was nearly on the point of jumping up on the table and yelling “Super Duke” when Shane averted the disaster by quickly saying, “Well, if we going to be getting down there, we ought to get going.”<br>
Thus Duke came to work at the Flea Bite Café.<br>
Act 3
Duke came in the back door of the café carrying two bags of groceries. He found he liked working with Gerta. He liked it a lot. Mostly it was Gerta he liked, rather than the work. But he figured all things came with a price. He decided it was time to make his move. Who cared if he had only worked there for 3 hours? What did that matter? In Duke’s head it mattered not at all. In Duke’s head, it was never too soon to make a move on the ladies.
He entered the kitchen, and who should be standing there, but Gerta herself.
This will be easier than I thought Duke said to himself.
“Hey Gerta, I’m here to fill your pantry,” said Duke, relishing the obvious double entandre. To his surprise, Gerta simply gave him an icy stare. Duke slunk over to the cupboards. He turned and looked over his shoulder while reaching into the grocery bag. He swiveled his hips ever so slightly. “Where would you like these…sweet buns?” he asked.
Gerta’s icy stare got even colder.
“Put them in the cupboard. Surely that can’t be to difficult for you.”<br>
Duke went about his business for a few minutes before trying again. He reached into the bag and pulled out some cooking oil. “Where would you like this…oil?” he asked.
Gerta rolled her eyes.
“That goes in the cupboard as well Duke. Now please, get with the program.”<br>
Finally Duke decided he would hinge his entire plan on one move. He finished putting away groceries and then went and stood in front of Gerta, flexing his large chest muscles as he did so. “Is there anything else you…desire?” he asked seductively.
This time, Gerta simply slapped him in the face hard enough to make his eyes water.
“I guess the answer would be no,” Duke said, rubbing his stinging cheek.
“Gee, what gave it away?” said Gerta. “Now get the hell out of my kitchen.”<br>
Duke obliged. As he walked toward the front of the café, he thought, Oh well, you win some, you lose some.
Act 4
Shane was walking toward his home. It was about 3 days after the ill-fated Gerta incident. As Shane approached his home, he heard loud music echoing from his windows.
That’s funny, Shane thought. Ruby’s not home. Wonder who the hell is playing the music in my house?
Just then, Shane remembered Duke.
“Oh, no,” said Shane audibly. “What could he be doing now?”<br>
“Hit me with your best shot! Why don’t you hit me with your best shot! Hit me with your best shot! Fire away!” The music blared at Shane as he entered the house. He thought he heard voices from the living room.
He better as hell not be having a party, thought Shane. It turned out to be much worse.
As Shane entered the room, the first thing he noticed was Duke and a Pomeranian he did not recognize in some type of embrace. Duke really seemed to be taking the words of the song to heart. Mostly the part about hitting with his best shot.
“OH MY GOD!” yelled Shane, running over and snapping off the CD player. “What the hell is going on here?”<br>
Duke stared at Shane vacantly. “Wassa matter Shane-o, you want a turn?”<br>
Shane opened his mouth to yell, but nothing but a series of dull choking sounds came out.
“No, I don’t want a turn!” he shrieked, finally finding his voice. “Get her the hell out of my house! NOW!” As Duke led her to the door, quietly slipping her 50 dollars as she left, Shane sunk down into a chair. “Oh my God,” he said.
Just then, Duke returned. “Aw, Shane. Why you gotta spoil the fun?”<br>
Shane gave him a look that was part disdain, part disbelief, and part mortification. “Fun? FUN? How much d**n fun do you think it would have been if Ruby had walked in on you instead of me? Oh, I bet she would have bounced your ass down those front steps fast enough to make your head spin. Be thankful I found you and not her.”<br>
Duke gave him a look that said that this had never occurred to him. “Yeah, I guess that wouldn’t have been too good at all… You got to admit though, she was hot.”<br>
Shane shook his head in disbelief. “Look, I don’t care what you do with your paycheck on your time,” he explained. “But please, get a hotel room next time. Don’t do your thing in my living room where anyone could just walk in!”<br>
Shane knew, even if Duke didn’t, that if Ruby found out about this, she would go ballistic. Shane hoped that she wouldn’t find out. If Duke could just keep himself under control…<br>